well it has been quite a few months/...

and i feel like maybe i should update :)

johanna is doing well .. today was her 1st birthday. i remember when the thought of 1 was not to run through my head due to fear that she might not make it that far. i cried for hours today just looking at her, reminding myself of everything she has been through. she is such a fighter and i cannot express how proud i am to be her mother. she makes me a better person without any doubt at all. i cannot wait to see what other things johanna and i will get ourselves into.

In 3 1/2 months Johanna will be turning 1. Its insane to even think about. I am constantly being told that I shouldn't make a big deal about a party and I understand where they are coming from BUT, johanna turning 1 is a big deal to me. Its such an accomplishment that I want to aknowledge it in a big way. She struggled soo much to be where she is at and the least I can do is make a big deal about it. Only problem is that I have never had to throw a 1st birthday party before so I am kind of stuck.. Any ideas would be fantastic and much appreciated... other than that in some big news, johanna took her first crawling step! It was awesome and I cried for about 30 minutes but I couldn't help it, I was sooo happy!

bed time disaster

Big problem! johanna will not let me put her down. not for anything. the minute i let her go she is screaming! trying to get her to go to bed this past couple of days has been a nightmare. she wants to be held 24/7, its crazy! haha in other news johanna's masseuse is coming this afternoon to rub her back because obviously she is just sooo stressed, how come they dont come for me? fernando and i went to six flags last weekend and we came home with so many toys for johanna! and a superbaby outfit haha thats all for now, maybe ill update quicker next time haha

it my birthday!!!!

yay im 19 today!! woohoo for me!

well now that i got that out of my system....

johanna got a horrible cough yesterday, it was a gross one too, flem and all, at first i was calm about it and thought it would pass, but then for some reason i panicked. Christine ur advice really helped, the shower idea completely loosened up her chest and nose and today she is 100 times better! Also johanna has physical therapy today! she looooves it! a nice nurse comes and plays with her and does all kinds of cool things with her..
oh and this past weekend we went to san diego, it made mothers day very special!

Johanna loves the nightlife!

Or at least that is what I think because what other reason does she have to be up at this time? Haha its kind of odd just because johanna is pretty much set in her night time schedule but I guess tonight she just wanted to hang out all night. She hasn't been fussy, she has jus been playin all night. We have had a pretty hectic past couple of days and you would think she would be exhausted, we all kno I am! A couple of days ago we peirced her ears and she took it suprisingly well, her earings look so cute on her. And, I am happy to report that she is wearing 6-9 months now! We have PT on tuesday, which makes me happy because johanna really enjoys it. They always bring her cool toys to play with. Well I guess im going to try to put the lil munchkin down to bed now.... goodnight/morning



And p.s
I got my license finally! Yay 4 me!

mom! i can totally do it by myself!

Johanna has decided that when she is eating her baby food, she is going to do it herself. and she really does, licks the spoon so hard it shines!

almost 7 months...

On the 25th Johanna will be 7 months ild. It will be 7 months since the day she was born, at first time moved so slowly, but now it seems like every day is going by quicker. She's babling a lot more and reaching for her toys now. Her favorite toy is her red monkey! She will wrestle it to the ground haha. Johanna also is spending a lot more time on her belly, hoping those crawling skills will kick in soon. Thinkin of makin a trip to so cal for my birthday, hopefully we can go to the beach! The baptism pics will be up soon. The copier is actin silly and making iot hard for me, but they will up soon.

6 month check up was a disaster!!!!

Ughh I am so angry! Johannas pediatrician is awful! Here's how the appointment went, the appointment was at 10:45 am, so we got there at 10:15, signed in n whatnot so we waited and at 12:30 pm, we saw the doctor, I was already annoyed for waiting so long, BUT, I decided to let it go. The we spent maybe 5 minutes at most talkeng about johanna before she got on her phone. Then she said, "you kno wut? I have so much to do, so the nurse is going to come give her shots" I didn't get to ask any questions, nothing! So the nurse comes in to give johanna her shots, and the nurse starts to talk to her mom on her cell phone! Excuse me?!? So she gave her the shots, and I asked the nurse if I could please speak to the doc because I had some questions, doc came in and basically blew me off. At this point I was pissed. I said how is it if I waited nearly 2 hours just to see her, she couldn't give me just a little more time?, then she rreplied with this, "if you have a problem with it, find a new doctor!" I most certainly will!!!! Ughh im still mad about it, so now im on the lok out for a new pedi, anhy ideas? Other than my rant, johanna is doin well, small fever from the shots, but doing well, in fact she went with mommy to look for a car today! Oh, and her physicl therapist says she doesn't believe johanna will crawl, she thinks shell go straight to walking, cuz she alread stands up and is holding on to things to keep her up

The weekend was stressful...

But at the end of everything, it was worth the stress. The baptism went nicely and I am so happy and grateful to everyone who made it there and shared that special day with us. It was a loooong day for johanna but she did get a good night of sleep because of it. Ill put some pictures up soon. Friday is johannas 6 month check up and she has to get some shots, but on the upside she is going to get her ears peirced too!

<3<3<3

Yesterday was my 1st time goin to the nicu support group and I had so much fun!!! I loved being there with the other moms, especially for the moms whose baby is still in the NICU, I think its a great way for them to feel like someone understands what they are going through. Well as you know, johanna did have her PT and it went great! Most of her scores were that of a 4-5 month old, which is really well considering I though shed only be at maybe 3 months! She continues do exceed everyones expectations. She jus keeps growing and growing! She's starting to reach for things and bring objects to her. Johanna is waiting for mr sean to get a little bigger so they can have playdates! Well that's all for now

pt tomorrow

Tomorrow is Johannas first day of physical therapy. Im kind of excited for it. Im hoping we can all come up with something to do with her to help her catch up. Im in no hurry though, in my eyes she is doing wonderfully. She's getting a tooth in the front on her top gum, so she has been a bit more fussy than usual, she is trying to sit up on her own, but that's not going to well, but I see her trying nd that's what matters to me. Her 0-3 months are starting to get a little tight, so who knows, we might be workin up another size. She's growing soo quickly!! And she finally loves to watch her baby einstein videos, she laughs the whole time! I love when she laughs. She no longer throws up anymore, and is eating 5 ounces every 4 hours.(sometimes 3 though) she's pushin 13 1/2 pounds. Ill write tomorrow about how physical therapy goes

Johanna in her dress right before she went to see the easter bunny!!!

so were planning a san fransisco trip for next week! im so excited to take Johanna there! shes been doing really well. she goes to bed at 9:30 pm and wakes up at 7:30 am, with just 1 feeding time inbetween, well heres some pictures from today

Mmmmm rice cereal...

Yesterday we gave johanna rice cereal. Not in a bottle tho, she took it from a spoon!! Haha it was so cool to see her trying to eat from her little sppon and bowl. We decided to give it to her once a day to start. Doc says after that I can start with stage 1 baby puree's. She's a whole 12 pounds now! She's huge n I love seeing her grow like that. With her baptism coming up we have lots of planning to do! Well that's what's new for now...<3

Me and ms chunky monkey!!

good day today

Johanna took her 1st trip to old sac! It was kind of rainy though, so we decided just to get some sushi and leave haha. My sister visited this weekend and it was awesome and she spent most of the time holding johanna, nd when she left and it was time for bed, johanna was not happy! Fernando and I are contemplating a move. It will be so hard for me to just up and leave everyone I care about, but I think I need to move back to orange county. Stockton hasn't been a good influence on me and I don't want that for johanna. I miss who I used to be, the person I was when I lived there. I want johanna to have a similar childhood to mine. Beaches, bonfires, sun and heat 24/7. But I know how much I will miss everyone. The move won't be until probably the end of the year but who knows. Well goodnight<3

Hating myself just about now

So about a week ago I had a doctors appt for myself, just a checkup, just some bloodwork and what not. So I went home and a couple of days later, my doc calls me and asked me the first day of my last menstrual cycle. The last time I heard a doc ask me that, it was their nice way of telling me I was pregnant. So the doc does indeed tell me that im pregnant. And she said based on the date I gave her, I was about 10 weeks. So we scheduled me a doc appt for an ultrasound for two days after the phonecall. That night I couldn't think straight. I don't think im ready for something like that this soon, and what if god forbid I get pre eclampsia again? But then as the night progressed, I became a little more excited. The thought of having my two children close together always had my attention. So I wasn't so worried after that. I found calm in it, that's the strabgest part. Well I went for the ultrasound. And yes. Indeed there was a baby. But there was not a heartbeat. I was heartbroken that my body would do this. It may not have been planned and I know I got excited to quick. But maybe its for the best. So they did a "cleaning" right there. It was awful and my heart still hurts along with the rest of my body. But I have decided not to tell fernando. He's such a worrier and I love him for it, but I can't bring myself to tell him that I've failed àt yet another pregnancy. I know this had nothing to do with johanna but I needed to get it out somewhere. Ill be taking it easy and tryin not to be too obvious. And sorry to anyone who may not have wanted to read this. On another note, Johanna is doing well, laughing and smiling and all. I find it so funny that these babies are so innocent. She has no idea the pain that comes along with being an adult. And I wanna keep it that way for as long as possible.

:/

This afternoon I received some news. Im still a little upset, not angry, but upset, nd I don't think iim ready to post it just yet. But I did need to get that part off my chest. Im just going to clear my mind nd relax for the next couple of days. Even tho im a little sad, I look at johanna sleeping, nd all my concerns and worries fly out the window.

Buh Bye ROP

Yup, thats right. Johanna had her forst eye exam today. when she was discharged they said she had mild ROP and that it may or may not correct itself. Well today, her eye doc said it did, he said her eyes are perfect! broke my heart to hear her scream, but it was necessary. Also, Johanna got to see the lunar eclipse tonight. it was beautiful. There wont be another one til 2010, so i am glad i got to share that moment with her

lovin it...

Johanna got good news today. My sister, her aunt is coming to visit!!! Yay! She hasn't seen her since she was 1 pound! I am, I mean WE are so excited she is coming! Well hopefully johanna goes to bed soon, its getting late.

Goodnight<3

*Giggle*Giggle*

Today Johanna giggled for the first time ever!!! It was at the baby einstein videos but still, she did it. It was awesome. She now fits size 0-3 months.. She's gettin bigger!! Yesterday we visited the NICU, we didn't stay for long but it was still nice to see some of the nurses.

Some pictures from this morning

Content...

Sometimes its not about happily ever after, its about being happy right now...

Today I realized that I absolutly love my life. Johanna and I went to her friend Amelias 1st birthday party today. Amelias mommy Norma is a good friend of mine who went to high school with me. As the girls were playing (and Johanna was playing!) Norma and I just talked about everything that had to do with our daughters. At that moment is when I actually realized, im someones mother. Not only that, but im proud of it! It was so strange to be on the other side of the situation. I used to be the little girl playing, now im the one saying "Johanna take that out of your mouth!" I know johanna needs me for food and comfort and all that, but I think I might need her more. She saved me from going down a bad path. I hate to say it, but I believe that without her being here today, I probably wouldn't be a very good person. She has opened my heart and truely shown me what real love is. I once heard a saying that said, " Being a mother is to choosing to have your heart walk around" I can say now that I 100% know what that means. I know johanna is a miracle baby and an she's my angel. She takes care of me without even knowing it.

Happy Valentines Day!!!

Its Johanna's first valentines day and she has the cutest little outfit on! We wemt back to my old high school to say hello to my old teachers and everyone just loved her! On Saturday Johanna has her first birthday party to attend. I bet she's excited!

Happy Valentines Day!!!

Its Johanna's first valentines day and she has the cutest little outfit on! We wemt back to my old high school to say hello to my old teachers and everyone just loved her! On Saturday Johanna has her first birthday party to attend. I bet she's excited!

Tonight I got some upsetting news

This evening I received a phone call from Johannas little friend lilianas mom. She told me that 8 days after being released from the NICU poor lilianas hearts had stopped. They took her to the er where they had to use those heart pump things. She is doing well though. She is back home but on a heart monitor. She was in the hospital for 4 days. It saddened me to hear that. I wish her and her family well. In other news Johanna is doing well, and adjusting to her nightly schedule. Im so excited for valentines day! It will be johannas 1st and that gives mea reason to celebrate!

Tonight I got some upsetting news

This evening I received a phone call from Johannas little friend lilianas mom. She told me that 8 days after being released from the NICU poor lilianas hearts had stopped. They took her to the er where they had to use those heart pump things. She is doing well though. She is back home but on a heart monitor. She was in the hospital for 4 days. It saddened me to hear that. I wish her and her family well. In other news Johanna is doing well, and adjusting to her nightly schedule. Im so excited for valentines day! It will be johannas 1st and that gives mea reason to celebrate!

throw up is gross

But I should be used to it by now huh? Haha, well Johanna only threw up the 1st night and 2nd day she was home, but then tonight about 1 hour after I put her down to bed, there it went... puke.. EVERYWHERE! Poor baby. But she has been doing really well with not throwing up considering im not giving her the reglin and zantac. Im not a doctor, but I don't feel like Johanna needs that crap in her body. She did fine without it, only tonight I might have given her too much. Which is another problem, she never seems to be full. She's almost 9 pounds and eats 105ish mls every 3 hours but still seems to be hungry. I don't know if im giving her enough or not, I know she is gaining weight but don't know if its enough

we took pictures today!!!

<3

Today was a very good day! Johanna took her first trip to chilis to get to see all of my old co workers. They all took so many pictures, she was exausted after that. Haha, after that we went to buy more diapers.. Boy does she go through those! Then we came home and took a nap together. It was a very nice afternoon for us.I thiink her problem at night is that she misses her daddy. Cuz all the fussiness starts when he leaves at night. But so far, tonight she has been doing very good. Minimal crying and even though she isn't asleep, she is laying down in her bed and not being fussy. Wre adapting. Slowly but surely. Tomorrow Johanna and I are going to make her daddy a valentine, but it'll be from Johanna. Im sure he will love it. Oh, and the doc did give me suposatories (spelled wrong im sure) for her, I gave it to her once and she did poop, but the doc did say babies can become dependant on those. So I stopped giving her that, and instead im giving her camomile tea. And she has been pooping daily and very well. She also enjoys the tea. I give it to her right before bed and it warms her tummy. Johanna is still loving bathtime especially with the cool bathtub daddy bought her. I can't believe it has jets! If only my bath could have those! Looks relaxing.

Today was a very long day...

So i had school today! i missed Johanna terribly. but then shew as up all day!her daddy took the night off so he could help out tonight. maybe ill get some sleep tonight. she is doing a little better at night now, but now extremely well.. we will just have to keep trying. Tomorrow we're going to go buy Johanna an outfit for her photoshoot on friday... Shes the little fashion model of the family!

shes sleeping!!! so ill add some pics really quick!

wow.. oh so tired!

.. I always knew that a baby was going to be hard work, always. But i guess that since i was so anxious to have Johanna home, i just forgot about that part of it and focused more on just having her with me. My oh my, is it work!!! Johanna cries... a LOT! all the time. getting her to sleep at night is impossible! i feel like im doing such a shitty job, and with fernando at work at night and sleeping in the day, i feel like im doing this alone. i do enjoy spending time with johanna though. It is nice to have her with me and get to see her. And when she smiles at me ... (which she does now!!!) it makes it all worth it... the 2 hours of sleep at night dont even phase me, im just happy she is smiling!! ill put some pictures up in a couple days when i get a chance... maybe ill have 5 minutes tomorrow to upload them or something!

up...

Yes we are. Miss Johanna seems to protest to sleeping. No sleep last night. None. And it looks like were on the same track now. Its only been 2 days and im sooo tired. But even though its tiring, I appreciate every second of it. Although a nap does sound nice :) tomorrow she has a well baby appointment. Hopefully everything goes well with that. One thing Johanna does love is books. Today we read 5 together.. Kinda.. I read she made noises! Haha... maybe tomorrow we'll read more. She is very constipated and I find that is the reason for her irratability. I hope the doc gives us something for it so she can go back to being happy. . . . .P.S. Johanna and I extremely miss everyone at the nicu!

home at last...

Johanna is home!!!! thank you everyone who had anything to do with her being here today. i am sooo grateful. she is doing wonderfully. very awake and attentive. she cried for a little while and got better when daddy held her. I am loving every second of it!!! Its is such a beautiful thing to have her with me now..

wow.. so nervous

I have NEVER been so nervous!! Im am excited and so scared. Dr simko called and said that no, in fact we will probably have to come get her in the morning. So chrisitne, if u read this, its not around 4, its prolly gonna be around noon. But the clerk will call you. She passed her hearing screaning on both ears! Im so relieved to hear that. Oh my stomach feels like it is in a knot. I've waited so long for this. Never thought the day would come, but here I am, hours away from getting to pick her up. Tomorrow will be a very very emotional day with tons of tears im sure. Oh my, I can't wait!!!!!!!!

tomorrow!!!!

YaY!!!! so i just got news that she is coming home tomorrow!!!!!! but not till like 4ish i guess.. so i still have to go to school...lol.. but yay!!!! haha.. i cant even explain how happy i am! im getting her bag ready right now too! im even taking a diaper.. no more hospital stuff!!!!


yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

waiting...

Waiting for Johanna to come home. Its seems as though now that it has gotten so close to her coming home i feel like it is taking even longer!!! haha, impatience sucks!

I love bath time!

Today we gave Johanna a bath! I love to do bath time because it seems as though Johanna really enjoys it. I can't believe how big she is getting! She's so beautiful and her personality is starting to shine through. Today I put on the last preemie outfit that fits her. Next step, newborn! Her outfit to come home in is yellow. I didn't care to much for it at first, but I just looked at it a little while ago, and it is really cute. I also have a green and yellow blanket to kinda match her. Im so excited to bring her home! We have so much catching up to do!

Sidenote

So its about 4 am and usually at this time im up thinking about Johanna and how she is doing, but today when I was thinking about her I started thinking about how big she has gotten and how much better she is doing. When I was thinkin of that, it made me realize that without every single person at the Dameron NICU who has been involved in taking care of her, she more than likely would not be here. Every single person in there is truely an angel and you will never understand exactly how much I appreciate everything all of you have done. They took care of my baby when I just was not capable. All of the nicu staff are truely life savers. And I don't just mean the babies. If it wasn't for the nurses who took time out of their busyness just to talk to me and console me or even just joke with me, I might not even be here. I can say with all sincerity that they saved both of our lives. I would also like to thank Christine for always being there for me no matter what. Her patience with me was incredible and I made a nurse friend. She inspired me to want to help other people. Also Donna. She is wonderfull and is I love when I call and she already knows it is me, I could call a million times and it wouldn't bother her. Some other ladies are Marcia and Virgie who always make me laugh. Natalie who is so sweet and I can tell she lovess to take care of johanna. And I cannot forget dr. Hipolito, who is always entertaining us with his singing and uniqueness. And just to everyone else there. Even after johanna gets to come home, you will all be in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully one day I will get to work with some of the best nurses and the Dameron NICU.

johannas journey

Made by Andrea Micheloni

i will never get tired of "good" days...

Today was great. I got to DAmeron and Johanna was up and playing with her mobile, like actually grabing for it! I was so excited to see her so active. So i picked her up and she was so amazed by the balloon that the little baby boy next to her had next to his crib. She would not take her eyes off of it. She ate well, no vomitting for that feeding, which is good. they are continuing her medication for an infection she has on her tongue, they said it should go away soon. She payed so much attention to me today, i loved it, but it was an issue when i had to leave and all she would do was cry. It made me sad, and if i could stay there all day, i would. That is exactly why im so excited she'll be coming home soon, that way i can spend all my time with her. Im glad she hasnt had a "bad" day in awhile, which makes me soo happy...

mixed feelings

So yesterday Dr. Hipolito came and talked to me. He said that hopefully either by the end of this week or the beginning of next week, Johanna will be discharged. Those are the words ive been waiting to hear for four months. I have everything ready and am so anxious, BUT, im also very nervous. Nervous that im not going to do as good of a job as i thought i would. All this waiting for so long, anxious to bring her home, and now im doubting my ability as her mother. I know everything will be ok, but im still nervous. I hope this goes away soon. On a different note, I found out why Johanna was puking like that, she has acid reflux. yea they said she should outgrow it eventually. well im off to the hospital...

a better day

So today was better. i went for johannas 5 o cloclk feeding and she was up and ready to play!! so awake. I just calle and they said she hasnt needed that air bag thing for day shift, and so far hasnt needed it for the nightstaff. The nurses said Dr. Hipolito will probably be the DR. to dishicharge her, so that means by next monday, i think. HOPEFULLY! haha

tired...

So its almost 4:30 am and I've been here about 7 1/2 hours. Im tired. I wish Johanna was home so I could take care of her there. For her 2:30 feeding, she threw up... a lot. So much effort when into throwing up on her part that she was literally sweating. Her hair drenched. I wish I knew what was wrong, at least then I could try to help her, but I have no idea and I just feel like crying. Some good news is that she isn't breathing as hard as she was before. But occasionally she will. Its a step. Dr. Simko is here tonight. I can't help but feel like he intentionally ignores me. He checked on every baby but Johanna, maybe the other babies are sicker, im not sure, maybe im just being insecure, but I wish he'd at least come talk to me about what's going on with her when im here. I want to buy Johanna a valentines day outfit for Johanna but who knows if shell even be out for valentines day. Im dreading the fact that they might need to put Johanna back on the oxygen. They had to use that air bag thing about 4 times tonight. I hate to admit it now, but she might still need the oxygen. Not a thought I want in my head. Well guess ill just watch Johanna sleep for a couple more hours. Pray that she will do better...

So far So good...

Well its been 43ish hours since the canula came off and so far she's been doin good. Hopefully it will stay that way and Johanna will come home. They did an eye culture today and it came back negative for for an infection and there were no white blood cells seen, so that's good news. im going to stay the night here tonight, I feel as though I don't spend enough time with her as I should be. They say she's getting fussy and is in need of constant attention, I wanna give her that

today was one of those milsstones..

everyone told me that there would be milestones throughout this NICU experience and even after. I have seen her make progress over the past 4 months and watched her grow. But today i got to see one of the biggest milestones yet, the nasal canula came off. That small but big thing that is keeping her there. To be honest i thought the day would never come. i might as well have just accepted that she would never leave, but now, its lookin like now. Johannas friend Liliana got to go home today. i felt like crying, i had watched that little grow just as i had been watching Johanna. I cared just as much about what happened to her and wanted nothing but the best for her. And today, her mothers prayers were answered. I know the nicu isnt the best experience and no one wants to end up there. But in some silly sort of way, im glad things worked out hjow they did. I got the great privelage of watching my little baby grow. A nd i watched her prove a lot of people wrong. She fought for her life, so i will give her the best, because she has given me the best of her. And also, i got to meet great people, i would love to have meet them under different circumstances, but hey, thats life and ive learned we have no control over what happens. Our bodies are just vessels for our souls, and our souls, well they have plans of their own. Ive learned that i cant always be scared, but if id have told myself that 4 months ago, i would have told me i have no idea what im talking about. Time puts everything into perspective. im so glad that a group is starting for us NICU mommys. I hope this will be a good experience, im sure it will be...

grandma and Johanna!

She's Beautiful

Today I felt something different when I held Johanna. It was the most undescribable feeling ever. I felt nothing but pure love and affection for the beautiful little girl that came from me. In the past 4 months I have felt as though I missed out on the bonding time that most most motherd get. But today was an example of how very not true that is. I love her just as much as I would, if not more. I have such a new found appreciation for life and how sensitive it can be.

yay!...for now

“Doubt is not a pleasant condition but certainty is an absurd one.”


so i just called the hospital and i got news. johanna is at room temp. her spo2 level is 21%. next step s just gettin rid of that canula. I feel awful though. i want to be happy about this but ive had the experience of getting my hopes and then being broughten right back down. i dont want to doubt that achievements Johanna has made. im just scared. scared that the next day i will be told that no, infact they had to change something back, or that they're sorry and no, she isnt progressing. im in constant fear of bad news. and this is awful, because instead of doubting everything she is fighting for, im doubting her ability to continue doing so. im so glad that she is doing well, i just have to learn to snap out of being to scared. fear doesnt help anything...

Sick days suck..

and im sure johanna knows that... she threw up again, so they decided to run some tests. if something came back negative they would have to put back her IV, but i just called and the nurse said everything came back normal.. yay! so they are gonna just take down her feedings. well i took some new pics of her..

hoping...

Hoping that they dont have to put back her feeding tube :(.. she keeps throwing up!! i just wanna know why.. i wish she could tell me !! lol.. if only...well i keep praying and hoping.. hopefully within the next few days she will kinda snap out of all these breathing/eating problems

hmmm.. right?

So i guess the nurse was confused? maybe? i have no clue, but i just made my nightly call and the nurse says that, no, in fact johanna is not off her oxygen, but she is the same as she has been.. wtf?? why would that nurse tell me she wasnt on it anymore? that pisses me off so bad, the nurse read it from the chart.. how do you misunderstand that? well jan said she was gonna get johanna to room air by the morning, or she was hoping to at least, but im still super pissed at the day nurse, i hate that she got my hopes up

good news, finally, change

open up your plans and damn you're free look into your heart and you'll find the love love love love listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing i like peaceful melodies it's our god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved ....


today fernando and i got good, great news.. Johanna is off her oxygen, thats right, off. when we got there i noticed the canula slipping from her nose, that always worries me, im scared she wont be able to breath, but then the nurse, ( which by the way i unfortunatly dont know her name to go with the face of the woman who gave me great news) tells me it doesnt matter because the oxygen isnt on. i was confused. she said they just had the canula on her just in case they had to turn it back on, but for 14 hours she was sitting at 95-100% off the oxygen. i knew she could do it. and i am so glad i wont be bringing her home on oxygen. im positive i could have taken care of her with it, but it makes it so much better that she doesnt need it. better for her.

today was good...

before the cool done run out i'll be givin it my bestest and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention,there's no need to complicate our time is short this is our fate, i'm yours ...


it seems as though Johanna knows that its time to come home, at least i would like to think so. its just that i want to bring her home soo bad, i wanna be her full time mommy, not just for 2 hours during the day, if that. oh its just frustrating, but she is doing well, she continues to put on weight and do well. S he is 3 months 1 week and 3 days old. big girl status, she will have teeth when she comes home!! im slightly concerned about her vomitting togh, she pretty much does about once every day, as far as i know, she hasnt today, but then again i havent made my nightly call, so i guess ill see...

So its the new year...

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”

AND I HOPE I GET IT RIGHT. I NEED TO GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME. IM GOING TO BE A GOOD MOTHER. WHEN jOHANNA COMES HOME, ILL PROVE IT TO HER. tHE DOC SAYS WE PROBABLY BRINGING HER HOME ON OXYGEN. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THATS OK. IM OK WITH THAT. WE WILL HANDLE IT LIKE ME AND FERNANDO ALWAYS HANDLE THINGS. WE GOT THIS. SHES GONNA LOVE IT BEING HOME, I JUST CANT WAIT. HER ROOM IS SET UP AND ALL I CAN DO IS STARE AT IT.