Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas everyone!! i havent seen johanna yet. but i called and the nurses said she is doing good. well i guess ill try to make the best of this holiday without my baby.

i cant be "hardcore" anymore

"Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely."

It seems as though just as i thought i was getting it right and finally accepting whats really going on with JOhanna and not crying every second of every day, im slowly falling right back into it. i ate that. i know i need to be strong for her but for some reason i cant even be strong for myself. ive gotten away from the "why me" aspect of everything, but now i wanna know "why her" now that shes getting older i see her little personality. she is such a beautiful and special baby, all i want is the best for her. it just doesnt seem fair. she doesnt deserve this. She still hasnt come off her oxygen and i just wish she would. ive learned not to ask why, because god does what he feels we can handle, but i tried to do everything right, and nothing went as planned. She will be 3 months old on christmas. In my silly way of not trying to take this situation so difficulty, me and my brothers made a bet. when she would come home. i said christmas eve. i know now that t his will not happen. i think deep down i did it so that i could hold on to something. to the possibilty of her homecoming. i guess ive had to much time to think about things. hopefully tomorrow will be better

TOday was GOod

today they got Johanna down to 30% spo2. which is great. becaus she stayed there for a couple hours. but then they had to move her back up to 40. sometimes i get upset when they move it back up. i feel like they are ignoring all the work she puts into staying where shes at. but i do understand why. they know what they are doing. I do not. so i have to learn to not get upset. i pray that she can come home for Christmas. but as much as i try to force myself into believing its a possibility, i know in my heart, its not going to happen. with only a week, she has to much to do. it makes me sad, but it is where she needs to be. I didnt get to see her much today. and when i was there she was sleeping, which is good for her, she needs the rest. Last night she was 4 pounds 6.9 ounces. she is getting so big!! im so proud of her. i always will be.

ok, here we go...

Some days ... the whole world seems upside down. And then somehow, and probably, and when you least expect it, the world rights itself again- Meridith grey

September 19th 2007 i was admitted to Dameron Hospital. when i arrived i was diagnosed with Pre-eclampsia and soon there after, HELLP syndrom. After a 6 days in the hospital, it was decided. i needed to have an emergency c-section. it was time, and i was terrified. Johanna Araya was born at 10:52 am on september 25th at 1 pound 9 ounces, at 14 inches long. after i had johanna i was sent to post pardum where i was closely watched to make sure that i did not siezure. i still had not seen my baby, nor would i get to for the next 50 hours. it was hell. The X-rays done showed that she had damaged lung tissue, but nothing drastic. And to everyones suprise, no ventilator. She was hooked up to an IV which was her food. but i continued to pump and pump. there were so many wires and monitors. i was terrified. i cried whenever hers went off, and by cryed i do mean bawled. i had no idea what was going to happen and i was so in love with my little girl and fearing that she might not make it, that i wasnt paying attention to my own health. a week after i gave birth, the doctors found that i had a DVT in my leg. they would have to admit me, because it could be fatal. i stayed in the hospital for about 2 weeks. thought i was better, left and came back again for 3 more weeks, when i was transported to Hayward hospital. i finally got to go home and see my beautiful baby, getting bigger and stronger with every day. i called every night to hear her weight while i was gone, just so i could rest easier knowing that she wsa at least getting bigger. i prayed and continue to pray every night for my daughter and all the other babies in the NICU. i also pray for the nurses and doctors who truely are angels without wings. One nurse who has truely helped me a great deal was christine, she made me feel like i could do it. i could do this. i can care for my daughter and se taught me not to be scared. she let me treat my baby as MY BABY. i get to be a parent. which means the world to me. aslo Tita. she is amazing along wit all the other nurses who have given all the love and care that Johanna needs. And Donna, She makes me feel good when i call everyday like 5 times a day!! she knows i worry and always answers the phones so nicely, makes me feel that it is okay to check up!! i appreciate everyone there. Johanna is still on oxygen and who knows when she will just realize that she needs to come home. shes coming up on 3 months christmas day. ALL i can do is leaved it in Gods hands. and pray for everyone. well i will be updating this, i think "blogging" will help me get through this! haha