Me and ms chunky monkey!!

good day today

Johanna took her 1st trip to old sac! It was kind of rainy though, so we decided just to get some sushi and leave haha. My sister visited this weekend and it was awesome and she spent most of the time holding johanna, nd when she left and it was time for bed, johanna was not happy! Fernando and I are contemplating a move. It will be so hard for me to just up and leave everyone I care about, but I think I need to move back to orange county. Stockton hasn't been a good influence on me and I don't want that for johanna. I miss who I used to be, the person I was when I lived there. I want johanna to have a similar childhood to mine. Beaches, bonfires, sun and heat 24/7. But I know how much I will miss everyone. The move won't be until probably the end of the year but who knows. Well goodnight<3

Hating myself just about now

So about a week ago I had a doctors appt for myself, just a checkup, just some bloodwork and what not. So I went home and a couple of days later, my doc calls me and asked me the first day of my last menstrual cycle. The last time I heard a doc ask me that, it was their nice way of telling me I was pregnant. So the doc does indeed tell me that im pregnant. And she said based on the date I gave her, I was about 10 weeks. So we scheduled me a doc appt for an ultrasound for two days after the phonecall. That night I couldn't think straight. I don't think im ready for something like that this soon, and what if god forbid I get pre eclampsia again? But then as the night progressed, I became a little more excited. The thought of having my two children close together always had my attention. So I wasn't so worried after that. I found calm in it, that's the strabgest part. Well I went for the ultrasound. And yes. Indeed there was a baby. But there was not a heartbeat. I was heartbroken that my body would do this. It may not have been planned and I know I got excited to quick. But maybe its for the best. So they did a "cleaning" right there. It was awful and my heart still hurts along with the rest of my body. But I have decided not to tell fernando. He's such a worrier and I love him for it, but I can't bring myself to tell him that I've failed àt yet another pregnancy. I know this had nothing to do with johanna but I needed to get it out somewhere. Ill be taking it easy and tryin not to be too obvious. And sorry to anyone who may not have wanted to read this. On another note, Johanna is doing well, laughing and smiling and all. I find it so funny that these babies are so innocent. She has no idea the pain that comes along with being an adult. And I wanna keep it that way for as long as possible.

:/

This afternoon I received some news. Im still a little upset, not angry, but upset, nd I don't think iim ready to post it just yet. But I did need to get that part off my chest. Im just going to clear my mind nd relax for the next couple of days. Even tho im a little sad, I look at johanna sleeping, nd all my concerns and worries fly out the window.

Buh Bye ROP

Yup, thats right. Johanna had her forst eye exam today. when she was discharged they said she had mild ROP and that it may or may not correct itself. Well today, her eye doc said it did, he said her eyes are perfect! broke my heart to hear her scream, but it was necessary. Also, Johanna got to see the lunar eclipse tonight. it was beautiful. There wont be another one til 2010, so i am glad i got to share that moment with her

lovin it...

Johanna got good news today. My sister, her aunt is coming to visit!!! Yay! She hasn't seen her since she was 1 pound! I am, I mean WE are so excited she is coming! Well hopefully johanna goes to bed soon, its getting late.

Goodnight<3

*Giggle*Giggle*

Today Johanna giggled for the first time ever!!! It was at the baby einstein videos but still, she did it. It was awesome. She now fits size 0-3 months.. She's gettin bigger!! Yesterday we visited the NICU, we didn't stay for long but it was still nice to see some of the nurses.

Some pictures from this morning

Content...

Sometimes its not about happily ever after, its about being happy right now...

Today I realized that I absolutly love my life. Johanna and I went to her friend Amelias 1st birthday party today. Amelias mommy Norma is a good friend of mine who went to high school with me. As the girls were playing (and Johanna was playing!) Norma and I just talked about everything that had to do with our daughters. At that moment is when I actually realized, im someones mother. Not only that, but im proud of it! It was so strange to be on the other side of the situation. I used to be the little girl playing, now im the one saying "Johanna take that out of your mouth!" I know johanna needs me for food and comfort and all that, but I think I might need her more. She saved me from going down a bad path. I hate to say it, but I believe that without her being here today, I probably wouldn't be a very good person. She has opened my heart and truely shown me what real love is. I once heard a saying that said, " Being a mother is to choosing to have your heart walk around" I can say now that I 100% know what that means. I know johanna is a miracle baby and an she's my angel. She takes care of me without even knowing it.

Happy Valentines Day!!!

Its Johanna's first valentines day and she has the cutest little outfit on! We wemt back to my old high school to say hello to my old teachers and everyone just loved her! On Saturday Johanna has her first birthday party to attend. I bet she's excited!

Happy Valentines Day!!!

Its Johanna's first valentines day and she has the cutest little outfit on! We wemt back to my old high school to say hello to my old teachers and everyone just loved her! On Saturday Johanna has her first birthday party to attend. I bet she's excited!

Tonight I got some upsetting news

This evening I received a phone call from Johannas little friend lilianas mom. She told me that 8 days after being released from the NICU poor lilianas hearts had stopped. They took her to the er where they had to use those heart pump things. She is doing well though. She is back home but on a heart monitor. She was in the hospital for 4 days. It saddened me to hear that. I wish her and her family well. In other news Johanna is doing well, and adjusting to her nightly schedule. Im so excited for valentines day! It will be johannas 1st and that gives mea reason to celebrate!

Tonight I got some upsetting news

This evening I received a phone call from Johannas little friend lilianas mom. She told me that 8 days after being released from the NICU poor lilianas hearts had stopped. They took her to the er where they had to use those heart pump things. She is doing well though. She is back home but on a heart monitor. She was in the hospital for 4 days. It saddened me to hear that. I wish her and her family well. In other news Johanna is doing well, and adjusting to her nightly schedule. Im so excited for valentines day! It will be johannas 1st and that gives mea reason to celebrate!

throw up is gross

But I should be used to it by now huh? Haha, well Johanna only threw up the 1st night and 2nd day she was home, but then tonight about 1 hour after I put her down to bed, there it went... puke.. EVERYWHERE! Poor baby. But she has been doing really well with not throwing up considering im not giving her the reglin and zantac. Im not a doctor, but I don't feel like Johanna needs that crap in her body. She did fine without it, only tonight I might have given her too much. Which is another problem, she never seems to be full. She's almost 9 pounds and eats 105ish mls every 3 hours but still seems to be hungry. I don't know if im giving her enough or not, I know she is gaining weight but don't know if its enough

we took pictures today!!!

<3

Today was a very good day! Johanna took her first trip to chilis to get to see all of my old co workers. They all took so many pictures, she was exausted after that. Haha, after that we went to buy more diapers.. Boy does she go through those! Then we came home and took a nap together. It was a very nice afternoon for us.I thiink her problem at night is that she misses her daddy. Cuz all the fussiness starts when he leaves at night. But so far, tonight she has been doing very good. Minimal crying and even though she isn't asleep, she is laying down in her bed and not being fussy. Wre adapting. Slowly but surely. Tomorrow Johanna and I are going to make her daddy a valentine, but it'll be from Johanna. Im sure he will love it. Oh, and the doc did give me suposatories (spelled wrong im sure) for her, I gave it to her once and she did poop, but the doc did say babies can become dependant on those. So I stopped giving her that, and instead im giving her camomile tea. And she has been pooping daily and very well. She also enjoys the tea. I give it to her right before bed and it warms her tummy. Johanna is still loving bathtime especially with the cool bathtub daddy bought her. I can't believe it has jets! If only my bath could have those! Looks relaxing.

Today was a very long day...

So i had school today! i missed Johanna terribly. but then shew as up all day!her daddy took the night off so he could help out tonight. maybe ill get some sleep tonight. she is doing a little better at night now, but now extremely well.. we will just have to keep trying. Tomorrow we're going to go buy Johanna an outfit for her photoshoot on friday... Shes the little fashion model of the family!

shes sleeping!!! so ill add some pics really quick!

wow.. oh so tired!

.. I always knew that a baby was going to be hard work, always. But i guess that since i was so anxious to have Johanna home, i just forgot about that part of it and focused more on just having her with me. My oh my, is it work!!! Johanna cries... a LOT! all the time. getting her to sleep at night is impossible! i feel like im doing such a shitty job, and with fernando at work at night and sleeping in the day, i feel like im doing this alone. i do enjoy spending time with johanna though. It is nice to have her with me and get to see her. And when she smiles at me ... (which she does now!!!) it makes it all worth it... the 2 hours of sleep at night dont even phase me, im just happy she is smiling!! ill put some pictures up in a couple days when i get a chance... maybe ill have 5 minutes tomorrow to upload them or something!

up...

Yes we are. Miss Johanna seems to protest to sleeping. No sleep last night. None. And it looks like were on the same track now. Its only been 2 days and im sooo tired. But even though its tiring, I appreciate every second of it. Although a nap does sound nice :) tomorrow she has a well baby appointment. Hopefully everything goes well with that. One thing Johanna does love is books. Today we read 5 together.. Kinda.. I read she made noises! Haha... maybe tomorrow we'll read more. She is very constipated and I find that is the reason for her irratability. I hope the doc gives us something for it so she can go back to being happy. . . . .P.S. Johanna and I extremely miss everyone at the nicu!