Hating myself just about now

So about a week ago I had a doctors appt for myself, just a checkup, just some bloodwork and what not. So I went home and a couple of days later, my doc calls me and asked me the first day of my last menstrual cycle. The last time I heard a doc ask me that, it was their nice way of telling me I was pregnant. So the doc does indeed tell me that im pregnant. And she said based on the date I gave her, I was about 10 weeks. So we scheduled me a doc appt for an ultrasound for two days after the phonecall. That night I couldn't think straight. I don't think im ready for something like that this soon, and what if god forbid I get pre eclampsia again? But then as the night progressed, I became a little more excited. The thought of having my two children close together always had my attention. So I wasn't so worried after that. I found calm in it, that's the strabgest part. Well I went for the ultrasound. And yes. Indeed there was a baby. But there was not a heartbeat. I was heartbroken that my body would do this. It may not have been planned and I know I got excited to quick. But maybe its for the best. So they did a "cleaning" right there. It was awful and my heart still hurts along with the rest of my body. But I have decided not to tell fernando. He's such a worrier and I love him for it, but I can't bring myself to tell him that I've failed àt yet another pregnancy. I know this had nothing to do with johanna but I needed to get it out somewhere. Ill be taking it easy and tryin not to be too obvious. And sorry to anyone who may not have wanted to read this. On another note, Johanna is doing well, laughing and smiling and all. I find it so funny that these babies are so innocent. She has no idea the pain that comes along with being an adult. And I wanna keep it that way for as long as possible.