yay!...for now

“Doubt is not a pleasant condition but certainty is an absurd one.”


so i just called the hospital and i got news. johanna is at room temp. her spo2 level is 21%. next step s just gettin rid of that canula. I feel awful though. i want to be happy about this but ive had the experience of getting my hopes and then being broughten right back down. i dont want to doubt that achievements Johanna has made. im just scared. scared that the next day i will be told that no, infact they had to change something back, or that they're sorry and no, she isnt progressing. im in constant fear of bad news. and this is awful, because instead of doubting everything she is fighting for, im doubting her ability to continue doing so. im so glad that she is doing well, i just have to learn to snap out of being to scared. fear doesnt help anything...

Sick days suck..

and im sure johanna knows that... she threw up again, so they decided to run some tests. if something came back negative they would have to put back her IV, but i just called and the nurse said everything came back normal.. yay! so they are gonna just take down her feedings. well i took some new pics of her..

hoping...

Hoping that they dont have to put back her feeding tube :(.. she keeps throwing up!! i just wanna know why.. i wish she could tell me !! lol.. if only...well i keep praying and hoping.. hopefully within the next few days she will kinda snap out of all these breathing/eating problems

hmmm.. right?

So i guess the nurse was confused? maybe? i have no clue, but i just made my nightly call and the nurse says that, no, in fact johanna is not off her oxygen, but she is the same as she has been.. wtf?? why would that nurse tell me she wasnt on it anymore? that pisses me off so bad, the nurse read it from the chart.. how do you misunderstand that? well jan said she was gonna get johanna to room air by the morning, or she was hoping to at least, but im still super pissed at the day nurse, i hate that she got my hopes up

good news, finally, change

open up your plans and damn you're free look into your heart and you'll find the love love love love listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing i like peaceful melodies it's our god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved ....


today fernando and i got good, great news.. Johanna is off her oxygen, thats right, off. when we got there i noticed the canula slipping from her nose, that always worries me, im scared she wont be able to breath, but then the nurse, ( which by the way i unfortunatly dont know her name to go with the face of the woman who gave me great news) tells me it doesnt matter because the oxygen isnt on. i was confused. she said they just had the canula on her just in case they had to turn it back on, but for 14 hours she was sitting at 95-100% off the oxygen. i knew she could do it. and i am so glad i wont be bringing her home on oxygen. im positive i could have taken care of her with it, but it makes it so much better that she doesnt need it. better for her.

today was good...

before the cool done run out i'll be givin it my bestest and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention,there's no need to complicate our time is short this is our fate, i'm yours ...


it seems as though Johanna knows that its time to come home, at least i would like to think so. its just that i want to bring her home soo bad, i wanna be her full time mommy, not just for 2 hours during the day, if that. oh its just frustrating, but she is doing well, she continues to put on weight and do well. S he is 3 months 1 week and 3 days old. big girl status, she will have teeth when she comes home!! im slightly concerned about her vomitting togh, she pretty much does about once every day, as far as i know, she hasnt today, but then again i havent made my nightly call, so i guess ill see...

So its the new year...

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”

AND I HOPE I GET IT RIGHT. I NEED TO GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME. IM GOING TO BE A GOOD MOTHER. WHEN jOHANNA COMES HOME, ILL PROVE IT TO HER. tHE DOC SAYS WE PROBABLY BRINGING HER HOME ON OXYGEN. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THATS OK. IM OK WITH THAT. WE WILL HANDLE IT LIKE ME AND FERNANDO ALWAYS HANDLE THINGS. WE GOT THIS. SHES GONNA LOVE IT BEING HOME, I JUST CANT WAIT. HER ROOM IS SET UP AND ALL I CAN DO IS STARE AT IT.