i will never get tired of "good" days...

Today was great. I got to DAmeron and Johanna was up and playing with her mobile, like actually grabing for it! I was so excited to see her so active. So i picked her up and she was so amazed by the balloon that the little baby boy next to her had next to his crib. She would not take her eyes off of it. She ate well, no vomitting for that feeding, which is good. they are continuing her medication for an infection she has on her tongue, they said it should go away soon. She payed so much attention to me today, i loved it, but it was an issue when i had to leave and all she would do was cry. It made me sad, and if i could stay there all day, i would. That is exactly why im so excited she'll be coming home soon, that way i can spend all my time with her. Im glad she hasnt had a "bad" day in awhile, which makes me soo happy...

mixed feelings

So yesterday Dr. Hipolito came and talked to me. He said that hopefully either by the end of this week or the beginning of next week, Johanna will be discharged. Those are the words ive been waiting to hear for four months. I have everything ready and am so anxious, BUT, im also very nervous. Nervous that im not going to do as good of a job as i thought i would. All this waiting for so long, anxious to bring her home, and now im doubting my ability as her mother. I know everything will be ok, but im still nervous. I hope this goes away soon. On a different note, I found out why Johanna was puking like that, she has acid reflux. yea they said she should outgrow it eventually. well im off to the hospital...

a better day

So today was better. i went for johannas 5 o cloclk feeding and she was up and ready to play!! so awake. I just calle and they said she hasnt needed that air bag thing for day shift, and so far hasnt needed it for the nightstaff. The nurses said Dr. Hipolito will probably be the DR. to dishicharge her, so that means by next monday, i think. HOPEFULLY! haha

tired...

So its almost 4:30 am and I've been here about 7 1/2 hours. Im tired. I wish Johanna was home so I could take care of her there. For her 2:30 feeding, she threw up... a lot. So much effort when into throwing up on her part that she was literally sweating. Her hair drenched. I wish I knew what was wrong, at least then I could try to help her, but I have no idea and I just feel like crying. Some good news is that she isn't breathing as hard as she was before. But occasionally she will. Its a step. Dr. Simko is here tonight. I can't help but feel like he intentionally ignores me. He checked on every baby but Johanna, maybe the other babies are sicker, im not sure, maybe im just being insecure, but I wish he'd at least come talk to me about what's going on with her when im here. I want to buy Johanna a valentines day outfit for Johanna but who knows if shell even be out for valentines day. Im dreading the fact that they might need to put Johanna back on the oxygen. They had to use that air bag thing about 4 times tonight. I hate to admit it now, but she might still need the oxygen. Not a thought I want in my head. Well guess ill just watch Johanna sleep for a couple more hours. Pray that she will do better...

So far So good...

Well its been 43ish hours since the canula came off and so far she's been doin good. Hopefully it will stay that way and Johanna will come home. They did an eye culture today and it came back negative for for an infection and there were no white blood cells seen, so that's good news. im going to stay the night here tonight, I feel as though I don't spend enough time with her as I should be. They say she's getting fussy and is in need of constant attention, I wanna give her that

today was one of those milsstones..

everyone told me that there would be milestones throughout this NICU experience and even after. I have seen her make progress over the past 4 months and watched her grow. But today i got to see one of the biggest milestones yet, the nasal canula came off. That small but big thing that is keeping her there. To be honest i thought the day would never come. i might as well have just accepted that she would never leave, but now, its lookin like now. Johannas friend Liliana got to go home today. i felt like crying, i had watched that little grow just as i had been watching Johanna. I cared just as much about what happened to her and wanted nothing but the best for her. And today, her mothers prayers were answered. I know the nicu isnt the best experience and no one wants to end up there. But in some silly sort of way, im glad things worked out hjow they did. I got the great privelage of watching my little baby grow. A nd i watched her prove a lot of people wrong. She fought for her life, so i will give her the best, because she has given me the best of her. And also, i got to meet great people, i would love to have meet them under different circumstances, but hey, thats life and ive learned we have no control over what happens. Our bodies are just vessels for our souls, and our souls, well they have plans of their own. Ive learned that i cant always be scared, but if id have told myself that 4 months ago, i would have told me i have no idea what im talking about. Time puts everything into perspective. im so glad that a group is starting for us NICU mommys. I hope this will be a good experience, im sure it will be...

grandma and Johanna!

She's Beautiful

Today I felt something different when I held Johanna. It was the most undescribable feeling ever. I felt nothing but pure love and affection for the beautiful little girl that came from me. In the past 4 months I have felt as though I missed out on the bonding time that most most motherd get. But today was an example of how very not true that is. I love her just as much as I would, if not more. I have such a new found appreciation for life and how sensitive it can be.